October Twenty Eight Two Thousand Twelve
It has been a couple weeks since I wrote a post, and I just took the time to read my last post. It is bothering me that I can't remember who gave me that hug because that hug meant a lot to me. I want to say it was someone from band, but I know it was not. I know for a fact it was a guy who gave it to me, but I cannot remember who... Ugh. This is going to bug me now.
Anyway, I remember why I do so many things that ultimately stress me out. I do them because they use up my time. And when my time is occupied, I do not have time to think about ending it. I think about killing myself the most when I have free time. A lot of this happens when insomnia has set in, and I am in my bed just thinking. Sometimes my brain just refuses to shut off and cool down, so I can go to sleep. My brain ends up over run with these thoughts which triggers me to go back into my own little imaginary world. The place where I feel safe because it so far away from reality. Oh if only people from the real world could enter my world then I would not be so isolated.
Here are a few moments from the real world these past few weeks that I have experienced(Feel free to skip. This is more for me.):
-On Friday October 19, I was walking to lunch with my bestest friend/math buddy, James. To get to the cafeteria from anywhere in our school you must go down steps. I was wearing heels and a skirt(I was dressed up for band, a weekly requirement to show our pride), and I fell down the steps. James ran over to me and wrapped his arms around to make sure I was okay. I was at that moment, but five minutes later(when the adrenaline wore off) I realized I could not support my weight on my left ankle. I did some damage to my ankle, but I am okay now.
-I went to the football game of the century in the terms of high school football. It gave me hope. #Comet Nation
-We lost the football game of the century and are now 8-1, but I don't care. I still love the kids who are on the team. They make me smile.
-I am now convinced Paranormal Activity 1 is not scary. The first time I watched ever was the other week, I fell asleep ten minutes in. I tried watching again the other night made it through more, but I still fell asleep.
-I have found a new love in writing Fanfictions.
-I get to emotionally attached to television shows and books.
-My grandmother was hospitalized for kidney failure. It scared me, but she is stable for now.
-I got into an argument with my friends at school if there was a Bear on Sesame Street. I won. There is in fact a bear family on Sesame Street. I know my Sesame Street.
- "I will write you all passes for fourth block
if you stay and watch the video of this marching band make the horse."
Mr. Staub, Third Block, Honors Math Anaylsis.(Made my day right there)
-Reading MacBeth in my British Lit class. Makes me feel less crazy. Oh how I love my Brit Lit class.
-Mr. Staub reminded me I need help in math, yet I still do not want to get it. #Determined to do this on my own.
- Mock Trial and Science Fair started #Good Memories
-I went to Hershey Park with my second family.
-Passed my driving lessons and got my AAA membership. Woot!
Okay reliving memories over. Sometimes writing them down makes me feel better. I hope you all survive Hurricane Sandy because I know my area is going to get hit hard. I live on the East Coast(Pennsylvania to be exact).
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
The Real World
October Third Two Thousand Twelve
I started my suicide note today. I don't know if I will ever need it. I was in my English class when I began writing. Here is an excerpt from it:
"I love winter. Each snowflake so graceful as it falls to the Earth. Each one so delicate, so fragile, so tiny, as it presents itself to the cold harsh world. The slightest bit of heat can melt it into several tear drops that collect in an ocean of sorrow, collecting until it has built up. Until it is to strong to no longer hold back, and then the sun pulls this wall of water into the sky. Where God graces it and turns it into a rainbow because in Heaven, it will be happy. We are all like a fresh sheet of fallen snow, and we can either stay frozen and untouched till death or we melt away too quickly."
It felt good to let my emotions spill onto the page. Just putting it out there. And right now I feel strength to carry on, but some of the past couple days, I wanted to say I am done. I wanted to lose it all, and then I was given a hug. A hug by someone I would least expect a hug from. Someone who saw the pain in my eyes, and they too have experienced this pain. Sometimes all we need is a hug, or to write, or to talk. Whatever you need to keep you going strong. I find hugs are a wonderful cure for temporary sadness. A band aid so to say, but as we all know the band aid will never last forever. And sometimes they fall off while we still need them. Keep going if it falls off. Peel the paper off a new one and stick it back on tomorrow.
As well as writing a suicide note this week, there was a fight at my lunch yesterday. Two tables away from me. It rose my anxiety and stress levels to the point where I was shaking, but no one noticed me. I have an anxiety disorder, and sometimes, someone raising their voice will send me into an attack. I was on the verge of one yesterday, but everyone was to excited over the fight to see me. Today, in math, the subject I have before and after lunch, my teacher grabbed my sweatshirt to get my attention. And even though it was only tell me to swap with a girl, so we could both be in different groups, it hit something else as well. It made me think that sometimes I leave reality to keep my anxiety down. I let my brain wander from the real world because the real world works up my anxiety. He snapped my focus back to real world today, and now it hurts again. The voices are a mere whisper. Maybe I should go back into my world where I have control because obliviously I have no control over the real world where I live.
For now, just remember, the people who want you alive and why they need you in their life. Do not choose today to die. You will make it through this. But if your voices are overpowering call 911 before you attempt anything. Because I want you to live.
I started my suicide note today. I don't know if I will ever need it. I was in my English class when I began writing. Here is an excerpt from it:
"I love winter. Each snowflake so graceful as it falls to the Earth. Each one so delicate, so fragile, so tiny, as it presents itself to the cold harsh world. The slightest bit of heat can melt it into several tear drops that collect in an ocean of sorrow, collecting until it has built up. Until it is to strong to no longer hold back, and then the sun pulls this wall of water into the sky. Where God graces it and turns it into a rainbow because in Heaven, it will be happy. We are all like a fresh sheet of fallen snow, and we can either stay frozen and untouched till death or we melt away too quickly."
It felt good to let my emotions spill onto the page. Just putting it out there. And right now I feel strength to carry on, but some of the past couple days, I wanted to say I am done. I wanted to lose it all, and then I was given a hug. A hug by someone I would least expect a hug from. Someone who saw the pain in my eyes, and they too have experienced this pain. Sometimes all we need is a hug, or to write, or to talk. Whatever you need to keep you going strong. I find hugs are a wonderful cure for temporary sadness. A band aid so to say, but as we all know the band aid will never last forever. And sometimes they fall off while we still need them. Keep going if it falls off. Peel the paper off a new one and stick it back on tomorrow.
As well as writing a suicide note this week, there was a fight at my lunch yesterday. Two tables away from me. It rose my anxiety and stress levels to the point where I was shaking, but no one noticed me. I have an anxiety disorder, and sometimes, someone raising their voice will send me into an attack. I was on the verge of one yesterday, but everyone was to excited over the fight to see me. Today, in math, the subject I have before and after lunch, my teacher grabbed my sweatshirt to get my attention. And even though it was only tell me to swap with a girl, so we could both be in different groups, it hit something else as well. It made me think that sometimes I leave reality to keep my anxiety down. I let my brain wander from the real world because the real world works up my anxiety. He snapped my focus back to real world today, and now it hurts again. The voices are a mere whisper. Maybe I should go back into my world where I have control because obliviously I have no control over the real world where I live.
For now, just remember, the people who want you alive and why they need you in their life. Do not choose today to die. You will make it through this. But if your voices are overpowering call 911 before you attempt anything. Because I want you to live.
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