The Real World

October Third Two Thousand Twelve

I started my suicide note today. I don't know if I will ever need it. I was in my English class when I began writing. Here is an excerpt from it:

"I love winter. Each snowflake so graceful as it falls to the Earth. Each one so delicate, so fragile, so tiny, as it presents itself to the cold harsh world. The slightest bit of heat can melt it into several tear drops that collect in an ocean of sorrow, collecting until it has built up. Until it is to strong to no longer hold back, and then the sun pulls this wall of water into the sky. Where God graces it and turns it into a rainbow because in Heaven, it will be happy. We are all like a fresh sheet of fallen snow, and we can either stay frozen and untouched till death or we melt away too quickly."

It felt good to let my emotions spill onto the page. Just putting it out there. And right now I feel strength to carry on, but some of the past couple days, I wanted to say I am done. I wanted to lose it all, and then I was given a hug. A hug by someone I would least expect a hug from. Someone who saw the pain in my eyes, and they too have experienced this pain. Sometimes all we need is a hug, or to write, or to talk. Whatever you need to keep you going strong. I find hugs are a wonderful cure for temporary sadness. A band aid so to say, but as we all know the band aid will never last forever. And sometimes they fall off while we still need them. Keep going if it falls off. Peel the paper off a new one and stick it back on tomorrow.

As well as writing a suicide note this week, there was a fight at my lunch yesterday. Two tables away from me. It rose my anxiety and stress levels to the point where I was shaking, but no one noticed me. I have an anxiety disorder, and sometimes, someone raising their voice will send me into an attack. I was on the verge of one yesterday, but everyone was to excited over the fight to see me. Today, in math, the subject I have before and after lunch, my teacher grabbed my sweatshirt to get my attention. And even though it was only tell me to swap with a girl, so we could both be in different groups, it hit something else as well. It made me think that sometimes I leave reality to keep my anxiety down. I let my brain wander from the real world because the real world works up my anxiety. He snapped my focus back to real world today, and now it hurts again. The voices are a mere whisper. Maybe I should go back into my world where I have control because obliviously I have no control over the real world where I live.

For now, just remember, the people who want you alive and why they need you in their life. Do not choose today to die. You will make it through this. But if your voices are overpowering call 911 before you attempt anything. Because I want you to live.