Sunday, October 28, 2012


October Twenty Eight Two Thousand Twelve

It has been a couple weeks since I wrote a post, and I just took the time to read my last post. It is bothering me that I can't remember who gave me that hug because that hug meant a lot to me. I want to say it was someone from band, but I know it was not. I know for a fact it was a guy who gave it to me, but I cannot remember who... Ugh. This is going to bug me now.

Anyway, I remember why I do so many things that ultimately stress me out. I do them because they use up my time. And when my time is occupied, I do not have time to think about ending it. I think about killing myself the most when I have free time. A lot of this happens when insomnia has set in, and I am in my bed just thinking. Sometimes my brain just refuses to shut off and cool down, so I can go to sleep. My brain ends up over run with these thoughts which triggers me to go back into my own little imaginary world. The place where I feel safe because it so far away from reality. Oh if only people from the real world could enter my world then I would not be so isolated.

Here are a few moments from the real world these past few weeks that I have experienced(Feel free to skip. This is more for me.):
-On Friday October 19, I was walking to lunch with my bestest friend/math buddy, James. To get to the cafeteria from anywhere in our school you must go down steps. I was wearing heels and a skirt(I was dressed up for band, a weekly requirement to show our pride), and I fell down the steps. James ran over to me and wrapped his arms around to make sure I was okay. I was at that moment, but five minutes later(when the adrenaline wore off) I realized I could not support my weight on my left ankle. I did some damage to my ankle, but I am okay now.
-I went to the football game of the century in the terms of high school football. It gave me hope. #Comet Nation
-We lost the football game of the century and are now 8-1, but I don't care. I still love the kids who are on the team. They make me smile.
-I am now convinced Paranormal Activity 1 is not scary. The first time I watched ever was the other week, I fell asleep ten minutes in. I tried watching again the other night made it through more, but I still fell asleep.
-I have found a new love in writing Fanfictions.
-I get to emotionally attached to television shows and books.
-My grandmother was hospitalized for kidney failure. It scared me, but she is stable for now.
-I got into an argument with my friends at school if there was a Bear on Sesame Street. I won. There is in fact a bear family on Sesame Street. I know my Sesame Street.
- "I will write you all passes for fourth block if you stay and watch the video of this marching band make the horse." Mr. Staub, Third Block, Honors Math Anaylsis.(Made my day right there)
-Reading MacBeth in my British Lit class. Makes me feel less crazy. Oh how I love my Brit Lit class.
-Mr. Staub reminded me I need help in math, yet I still do not want to get it. #Determined to do this on my own.
- Mock Trial and Science Fair started #Good Memories
-I went to Hershey Park with my second family.
-Passed my driving lessons and got my AAA membership. Woot!

Okay reliving memories over. Sometimes writing them down makes me feel better. I hope you all survive Hurricane Sandy because I know my area is going to get hit hard. I live on the East Coast(Pennsylvania to be exact).

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The Real World

October Third Two Thousand Twelve

I started my suicide note today. I don't know if I will ever need it. I was in my English class when I began writing. Here is an excerpt from it:

"I love winter. Each snowflake so graceful as it falls to the Earth. Each one so delicate, so fragile, so tiny, as it presents itself to the cold harsh world. The slightest bit of heat can melt it into several tear drops that collect in an ocean of sorrow, collecting until it has built up. Until it is to strong to no longer hold back, and then the sun pulls this wall of water into the sky. Where God graces it and turns it into a rainbow because in Heaven, it will be happy. We are all like a fresh sheet of fallen snow, and we can either stay frozen and untouched till death or we melt away too quickly."

It felt good to let my emotions spill onto the page. Just putting it out there. And right now I feel strength to carry on, but some of the past couple days, I wanted to say I am done. I wanted to lose it all, and then I was given a hug. A hug by someone I would least expect a hug from. Someone who saw the pain in my eyes, and they too have experienced this pain. Sometimes all we need is a hug, or to write, or to talk. Whatever you need to keep you going strong. I find hugs are a wonderful cure for temporary sadness. A band aid so to say, but as we all know the band aid will never last forever. And sometimes they fall off while we still need them. Keep going if it falls off. Peel the paper off a new one and stick it back on tomorrow.

As well as writing a suicide note this week, there was a fight at my lunch yesterday. Two tables away from me. It rose my anxiety and stress levels to the point where I was shaking, but no one noticed me. I have an anxiety disorder, and sometimes, someone raising their voice will send me into an attack. I was on the verge of one yesterday, but everyone was to excited over the fight to see me. Today, in math, the subject I have before and after lunch, my teacher grabbed my sweatshirt to get my attention. And even though it was only tell me to swap with a girl, so we could both be in different groups, it hit something else as well. It made me think that sometimes I leave reality to keep my anxiety down. I let my brain wander from the real world because the real world works up my anxiety. He snapped my focus back to real world today, and now it hurts again. The voices are a mere whisper. Maybe I should go back into my world where I have control because obliviously I have no control over the real world where I live.

For now, just remember, the people who want you alive and why they need you in their life. Do not choose today to die. You will make it through this. But if your voices are overpowering call 911 before you attempt anything. Because I want you to live.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Faded Away

September Sixteenth Two Thousand Twelve

I noticed today that the word "Love" had finally been completely washed off both of my wrists. The only thing left is my stamp from a marching band competition on my right wrist. Even though the word "Love" has faded away, my love for those who are suicidal or committed suicide is still there. It is like those who cuts. The wounds may have gone away, but the scars are still there.

Anyway, my own suicide voices were talking to me this week. Instead of going away, they turned into nervousness as I preformed at my first marching band competition. I let those nerves get the best of me, and I had a bad performance.  After performing, the voices came back, the tears were about to stream, and you could tell the weakness in my voice. I pulled myself together for the rest of night and shoved it away till now. Now, the voices are back. Maybe now, I could give up. But God has decided today is not my day. I am still needed here. God decided to let me go to school tomorrow and stay strong for all of my silent followers. Maybe tomorrow, the voices will shut up because I want to live till Saturday to get my much needed adrenaline rush from performing my best show because it did not happen this weekend. For now, just remember, the people who want you alive and why they need you in their life. Do not choose today to die. You will make it through this. But if your voices are overpowering call 911 before you attempt anything. Because I want you to live.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Representing Suicide Awareness Day

I rocked it today in yellow and orange. Although my top is only pictured, my shorts that I wore are yellow and orange. In the picture, my hair is an absolute mess, and it is taken from a weird angle, but that is little quirks that make it special. Quirks that make me special. Some girls would freak out if their hair looked like that in a picture that was going online. Perfection is not necessary neither is photoshop. Do put yourself down because the girls on Facebook are so much prettier, or that model has a dream body. They are more then likely ran through photo editing before being published.

I wrote the word "Love" on both of my wrists.

This is the tag I wore on my yellow shirt 
all day to represent the butterfly project.

September Tenth Two Thousand Twelve 
Suicide Awareness Pride
Stay Strong

The First Step: Acceptence

September Tenth Two Thousand Twelve

Today is National Suicide Awareness Day. Today is also the day I am starting this blog. In my short sixteen years of life here on Earth, I have dealt a lot with this subject. When I was little, I watched my sister try to overdose on pills in attempts of ending it. It was not until years later I realized why she had taken more then the average dose of pills. When having a conversation with my best friend that lives six hours away last year, I recognized the signs of suicide. I reported them the next day, only to be told I was crazy and psychotic by my own guidance department at school. They did agree to help me get him help even if they did not believe me. I found out a couple months later that he was hospitalized after I acted because I was right. My guidance department at school still do not want to admit they were wrong or apologize to me. Later on last year, my friend told me how she almost took her life that morning. Lately, I have found myself in a suicidal state which I have accepted, and I am on my way with my own recovery. And just yesterday, I found out another friend is suicidal and there is no way I can help this one. It is hard, but maybe this blog will help people realize their is a life worth living.